on the jolly rodger

I’ve been working a lot on myself lately and realizing that I am spitting out negative energy and therefore I am attracting negative things. I’m working on being positive, thinking nice thoughts and letting go of what other people do. I am an admitted control freak, and I care a lot about other people, so when someone does something mean, or stops taking care of themselves I get mad and offended. When really I just need to release these feelings I have out into the open and stop worrying about it. The only person I am responsible for is me. I know that probably sounds like years of therapy and the truth is that it is. I’ve gone for help with dealing with my anxieties since I was about 9 and yet nothing has worked as good as what I have discovered over the past few weeks. Inhale, feel the feeling and drop the big ol’ F bomb. FORGIVE. Exhale, and release that feeling out into space. When you do this you are forgiving the person that has upset you and yourself for feeling irrational or whatever you want to call it. I have to do this multiple times a day and I do get sideways glances when people see me giving a big exhale in the middle of anywhere. But the thing is it works, I am happier and I am less concerned with others actions and their negative thoughts or energy. Because of this my relationships are slowly becoming stronger because I am happier. Period. So I encourage you to drop the F bomb and start forgiving.  

As excited as I am for Glee to be back on. My first thought that came to mind was “where the FUCK is Sam?” excuse the crude but I almost cried when I realized he’s not on anymore… although he apparently may return as a guest on several shows.

Regardless, my heart is broken.

There was also a feature of the chick from the Glee Project and as good as she can sing she is absolutely crazy. Creeptastic to a whole-nother-level. Not only did she sing at you with her chin tucked in and her eyes staring so hard she looks like the girl from the ring, but she also seemed to eat part of my soul while doing it. No wonder she terrified Kurt and Rachel.

On the flip side I am totally and completely stoked that Darren Criss is now a full time cast member. Perhaps I shall just transfer my love for Sam onto Blaine. Hopefully it works because it might take a while for me to recover otherwise.

AND I also adore Quinn’s kick-ass I dont give a shit attitude. My prediction is that she will soon realize that she’s made the ‘wrong’ choice by not being in the glee club, but for now I am loving her actual rebellion. Before this the most rebellious we got was Puckerman and Santana, and while they’re sassy, they certainly don’t defy the social norms of what’s cool. That’s why I love Quinn.

Anyways enough about my ramblings of Glee. I’m optimistic about this season because Damian McGinty shall soon be guesting :) We shall see. This could be a make or break season for me.

Alright, I’ve been out of school for over a month. And considering the fact that I never really attended school during the summer because of my surgery, it seems ever so much longer. Word on the street is that people will often go a couple of months before that job comes along but I’m bummed about the fact that I can’t even get a GD interview. What the hell school? Why did I spend so much money on you if you can’t get me a job asap? Obviously you fail.

Or maybe I just haven’t found the right job yet.

I mean, I want to work somewhere that’s right for me, right? I think so. It’s better for me to spend few more weeks on my parents couch than hating my days for bringing in the buck at the expense of my happiness.

Something they never taught, or gave the opportunity to do in school was volunteer. They were too busy making us want to pull our hair out and bleed to death. I just had the revelation that I need to get out there. Put a face to a name sort of thing. So that when I do apply for jobs, such as I am currently in the process of doing, my face will pop into their heads, or at least that they’ve heard about me from a friend of a friend.

Sure in school they emphasized that networking is important for those in the PR profession, but I never believed it. Stupid me. It’s such a different world from being in school to being shoved over the cliff into reality. Co-op’s gave me experience in a semi-real world place… but I was still so diluted into the idea that I would be in school forever that I couldn’t see the benefit of getting out there. Now that I’m only a month out, I’ve had some realizations that my naive mistakes may have taken some sort of a toll on my ability to find a job right away.

One great thing about being in my situation and unemployed is that I get to just live for a bit. I am currently in the moment of my life where I don’t have any commitments and could leave at the drop of a hat. Other than the fact that I have my boyfriend here and I couldn’t leave him if I really wanted to because he is my sanity, I am in that part of my life that people talk about forever. The shoulda, woulda, coulda phase. I’m working daily on trying to take my sister’s advice and not worrying about my current situation. Enjoy it before I have to get up everyday and go to work. And that is the only piece of advice I have to anyone and everyone in my situation. Yes work towards getting a real job and being a grown up, but don’t forget to live in the moment and be happy. After all, if you’re like me, YOU JUST FINISHED UNIVERSITY!

I had my surgery 5.5 weeks ago and I’m still not back to normal. I feel better but at the same time I don’t even know what normal would be. My prolactin is at a good level but I have high cortisol, which means that I am constantly in fight or flight mode and it is absolutely exhausting. Besides that I have the move/renos happening in my house… I’ve been kicked out of my room and have been living off of the living room couch for the past two weeks so I really don’t have any space to my room. And classes are just about finished up so there is some serious last minute crunch going on. I don’t think people remember everything that is going on with me and can only see what’s going on in their lives. I find I’m having a really hard time with other people at the moment. UGH. As a control freak, I’m trying to let it go because it’s not something I can be responsible for. I’m taking it day by day and doing my best to not let it get the better of me.

I haven’t honestly had the time to sit down and pour my thoughts and feelings on here for what must be the past two months. I came in here with the intention of having things to say, and being faithful to myself that this would be a sort of release. I could say whatever I want. But with school being so busy and everything else that’s been going on in my life, not to mention the lack of internet access, it’s near impossible for me to write on here when I’d like to. I am hopeful that someday soon my parents will get the internet set up at the new house so I can just turn on here to get my thoughts out instead of having it wash around in my head, which is never good.

I’m baby sitting my two dogs night because the parents are gone away, and since it’s Canada day there are tons of fireworks, which to them apparently sound like gun shots, so that’s very exciting. it’s not worth it to try and calm them down. All i can do is tell them that it’s the neighbour or to be quiet. Ah well, it’s not that bad, Will’s laying next to me and hopefully the pair of us will doze off soon enough.

Hopefully I will have time tomorrow to say something with a little more substance to it.

Cheers,